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The ars technica badbios haox of 2013

31 October, 2013 (17:10) | antivirus/spyware, blogging, complaining, prediction, security

My boss sent this about an hour ago, it was good for a laugh on a few fronts. If you are smrt, you know why otherwise enjoy your imagination for the day. Happy h day!

Ok so if you are having problems firing up your thinker and moving away from this lonely corner of the web,  imagine if you stumbled on a new top secret weapon in your basement that nobody in the world had access to. I think  I would  pick it apart with my haxor skills for say 3 years on my own while wearing a special hat. A pretty hat with a nice texture. Especially if it looked like more advanced life forms built it, the hat not the secret weapon. I wouldn’t use a team or anything. I’d be all like “Hey twitter” I’m awesome cause I’m poking a 80 teraton alien grenade with a hammer and custom made ramen noodle fork. All Rambo up in that shit and then I would be a hero to so many hot chicks. Blue ones. Because I showed that I was pwnd by some secret alien crap even though i’m supposed to be the best security dude on planet earth. That makes chicks dig you. Blue ones.

Ok for the non creative – You might end up dead in a ‘car accident’ after you post something inventive, dangerous and game changing to the espionage world on twitter. Or be on the run to say Taiwan, Russia then Venezuela on a SU-160. (had to put a joke in there) There might be a hundred countries worth of intelligence services who are willing to take the hardware off your hands for a free ride to alienland. Especially while only one website has you on a place near the headline. Man why are nerds so practical? I’m going back to the fun of the 1 source unconfirmed incredibly difficult problems solved, integrated, automated, updated,  3 year old, never leaked, crackpot dreamland for the rest of the holiday. It’s full of giggles. And scaaaAAAAry ghosts. And Cher. Yikes! I think she sings to me at 35KHz through the speakers of a freakin mac air. Has a brilliant timing correction algorithm using the dual microphones for side lobe suppression. Oh wait, they didn’t have 2 mics. Must not be Cher, I meant Yoko and her magick.

This is funny and somewhat related. The story I read in the Wall ST journal today about the number of users Aereo has is not accurate unless it is a lucky guess. Reporters need to check facts, do homework and use some common sense. You know be reporters instead of teenage gossips? – http://gigaom.com/2013/10/29/aereo-may-have-100k-subscribers-in-new-york-that-could-be-trouble/

Check this girls twitter feed. They counted the number of boxes with blinking lights, multiplied times the capacity of the box as given by the owner and published a BS number of user subscriptions. Then boasted about using 3rd grade math skills in order to make this technical assessment.  I need the wall st journal to look at a few of our less busy servers:

Capacity- over 20000 users per hour. 4 servers. WSJ estimate 80,000 users per hour. Given the number of visits with an average of 30 min a day and a subscription rate of over $500 a month I would be incredibly wealthy. But I’m not. We don’t have that many users on that cluster. I could have 2 and those servers look the same. It may turn out 75% of my customers pay and never connect to make me turn all of them on. They did only have two users about six years ago.  Wait a minute they had the same damn number of blinking lights. I feel like the WSJ is just sticking a stick in a angry stick machine now.

I might be full of crap, but I talk on a website with no traffic that I pay to build and maintain. A whisper in a dark alley on the web. A blinding light like The Wall Street Journal should be ashamed.

BTW, in the comments where the nerds are wet dreaming about the alien tech- where are the mac people saying “macs don’t get virus” Something new and different. Maybe a sign of how gullible they are?

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